Barren for Mother’s Day (Part 1)

yep, this is a SUPER hard holiday for me. If you can’t/ don’t have kids and wish you could, you are in good company. As I sit writing with tears streaming down my cheeks, don’t feel you are alone in the world going through this heartache.

Mothers Day is coming up, and people are starting to talk about it. This season hurts my little heart more than words can even say.

I had to have a hysterectomy when I was 32 and only one year into my marriage with the first man I have ever been with. When we married, he knew it was quite possible I couldn’t have kids and he has always been ok with it. Even a little too happy about it, if you ask me!

So, I’m going along in life, swallowing the lump in my throat while my dear friends get pregnant and have beautiful babies. While they have baby showers and 1 year birthdays and adorable pictures and first teeth and first steps and first words.

(And just in case you aren’t another someone like me and you are scoffing at me for my lack of ability to see how hard it is to raise children. Just let me say this- you have NO idea what it is like to have this part of you STRIPPED away. It’s like changing your gender. It’s the most horrifying thing in the world. And it dosn’t go away. Not with time. Not with simply thinking of all the difficult things of having a child. You can’t THINK your way out of this pain. Here is an opportunity for YOU to become more empathetic and use the gift of Mercy.)

You have to go THROUGH it. I have to cry my tears, and let myself hurt. I have to think through it. I have to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, lest I become bitter. I have SEEN bitter, and it’s completely consuming.

My hubby is so gentle and sweet with me on Mothers Day. He knows I struggle and hurt and cry on Mothers Day.

So, while you can’t think your way out of it, you do have to think your way through it, or those emotions can plant a root in your heart and soul that will slowly suck your joy away.

I have a dear friend who listens better than any other human being I have ever known. I really don’t get it, it’s a gift that I am SO thankful to the Lord for. Anyways, she asks me, “what is it exactly that you feel you are missing?”

What an AMAZING question!!! So, other than the firsts of a child’s life that I mentioned earlier. There is the FEELING of having a baby grow inside you. The miracle of life that God breathes into your body. The pride I guess, of ‘making’ a baby. Seeing a baby have parts of me and hubby and seeing what a baby would look like from US.

So, after crying with me, my friend goes on to tell me of the sadness she experienced when she realized her 4 children really are not like her or her hubby. She figures that is something OTHERS see, but she knows each little human too well, and individually, to see herself or her hubby in her children. I was SHOCKED!

Basically, she talked to me of the hurts SHE’S had as a mother- having a miscarriage. Having her children NOT look like them or seem like them at all (in her opinion).

It just reminded me AGAIN of the fact that life is just so full of disappointments. EVERYONE has them. And each person will go through huge things in their lives in one way or another.

As YOU go through this season, remember the greatest of all comforts: God’s presence with us. That He came to earth and was in every way human enough and all-knowing God enough, to understand everything we are going through. That HE knows our hearts better than anybody else, and knows what gives us joy and what can steal it away.

So, as you shed your tears this season, do so with HOPE of a future with our loving Savior Jesus Christ, who will wipe away every tear from our eyes. Know that God does have  BEAUTIFUL purpose for your life. Don’t let your feelings strip your joy away.

A couple years ago I stopped nagging my hubby about adoption, and entrusted it into the Lord’s hands. About 2 years later, my hubby comes to me and just out of the blue says “I think next year we should start the paperwork for adopting.” I was speechless!! GOD is so faithful my friends. In HIS time, in HIS way. We are going to bring some children to a home and a family! Hubby and I are talking about starting the process of adoption next year!!!!

Be blessed this season and know that you are not alone <3

Click here for Part 2 of Barren for Mothers Day <3

About Christine

I'm a bit of a health nut and not ashamed of it! God, family and Missions are huge passions and driving forces in my life. I have had fibromyalgia for most of my life and am in the process of a treatment that is gonna give me my life back! Join me in my journey to wellness, make some new friends and maybe encourage someone else along the way!
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10 Responses to Barren for Mother’s Day (Part 1)

  1. Mary says:

    God will bless any child brought into your family. Surrogacy possibility? I too had the heartbreak until IVF. I feel our pain and tears….and now tears of joy! Best of luck!!

    • Christine says:

      Thank you Mary!
      What is IVF? I’ve thought of Surrogacy, but i wonder if the list for parents wanting to adopt that way is just too long. Did you look into that?

      • Mary says:

        IVF…invitro fertilization: use your eggs/sperm, fertilize outside body and then insert into your own body or a surrogate. Can also use relative’s eggs and uterus? PLEASE see a fertility specialist in your area. Amazing in Ottawa with best N.American results. I had twins 16 yrs ago. There are options…..some very expensive but off-set by insurance or provincial coverage. Don’t give up….time to explore options. XXOO Mary

  2. Mary says:

    I forgot to mention re: gaufensin for Fibro. New generic 600 mg. long acting came out in USA. Available at Walmart and Walgreens. Cheaper than at Marina del Rey pharmacy. Ottawa close to USA border so I can get it close. Still no long term reports on the generic…probably good…..I still do my annual trek to see Dr. St. Amanad whom I will LOVE forever!!! Found out about the generic on the discussion e-mails sent weekly. Mary

    • Christine says:

      Oh yes, I have heard of that guaifenesin! I have also heard that it has SUGAR in it. Not sure why they would bother to do that 🙁 So many fibro folks have HG too, and they will not do well with that Guai 🙁

  3. Mary says:

    Any way to have these discussion private without posting for the world????

  4. Michel says:

    I just came across this post and would first of all give you a huge hug for posting it to the world (no offense to anybody wanting to talk privately…

    Just to let you know that:
    1)The world is rather cruel in putting the value of anybody in mother/fatherhood rather than in in person-hood.
    2) Not sure knowing who off the two of us is “infertile or barren” I did carry Carla’s pain monthly. The hope when she was even one day “too late” was crushed each time. Adoption was a partial answer but it never took the desire of carrying a child.. even now after menopause and having 6 wonderful children and 1 S-I-L this is something girls/women can talk about but men in their inability to talk about such intimate things often have to deal with it on their own.

    Do realize that men and women can support one another if we can talk openly about the pain and see it as the loss that any child loving parent experiences.

    Joni Erikson-Tada comes too mind while I am writing this. She states: Sometimes we have to accept our losses as the way to cling more to Him that can give us the true comfort we seek and need. (my paraphrase)

    All blessings to you and to Tim and you and although I do not know you Mary to you as well!

    You Friend!

    • Christine says:

      Thank you Michel! I actually did think of you two when I wrote this. I need to sit down with you and Carla and talk about adoption stuff!

      Oh, and I hope I didn’t make Tim out to be un-caring, he totally is so sweet about it, now that he is beginning to understand.

      I believe we need to be open about this stuff too. It sure helps for me to know that I am not alone in this, maybe by writing this, someone will get the encouragement they need.

      Blessings to you and your beautiful family <3

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