yep, this is a SUPER hard holiday for me. If you can’t/ don’t have kids and wish you could, you are in good company. As I sit writing with tears streaming down my cheeks, don’t feel you are alone in the world going through this heartache.
Mothers Day is coming up, and people are starting to talk about it. This season hurts my little heart more than words can even say.
I had to have a hysterectomy when I was 32 and only one year into my marriage with the first man I have ever been with. When we married, he knew it was quite possible I couldn’t have kids and he has always been ok with it. Even a little too happy about it, if you ask me!
So, I’m going along in life, swallowing the lump in my throat while my dear friends get pregnant and have beautiful babies. While they have baby showers and 1 year birthdays and adorable pictures and first teeth and first steps and first words.
(And just in case you aren’t another someone like me and you are scoffing at me for my lack of ability to see how hard it is to raise children. Just let me say this- you have NO idea what it is like to have this part of you STRIPPED away. It’s like changing your gender. It’s the most horrifying thing in the world. And it dosn’t go away. Not with time. Not with simply thinking of all the difficult things of having a child. You can’t THINK your way out of this pain. Here is an opportunity for YOU to become more empathetic and use the gift of Mercy.)
You have to go THROUGH it. I have to cry my tears, and let myself hurt. I have to think through it. I have to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, lest I become bitter. I have SEEN bitter, and it’s completely consuming.
My hubby is so gentle and sweet with me on Mothers Day. He knows I struggle and hurt and cry on Mothers Day.
So, while you can’t think your way out of it, you do have to think your way through it, or those emotions can plant a root in your heart and soul that will slowly suck your joy away.
I have a dear friend who listens better than any other human being I have ever known. I really don’t get it, it’s a gift that I am SO thankful to the Lord for. Anyways, she asks me, “what is it exactly that you feel you are missing?”
What an AMAZING question!!! So, other than the firsts of a child’s life that I mentioned earlier. There is the FEELING of having a baby grow inside you. The miracle of life that God breathes into your body. The pride I guess, of ‘making’ a baby. Seeing a baby have parts of me and hubby and seeing what a baby would look like from US.
So, after crying with me, my friend goes on to tell me of the sadness she experienced when she realized her 4 children really are not like her or her hubby. She figures that is something OTHERS see, but she knows each little human too well, and individually, to see herself or her hubby in her children. I was SHOCKED!
Basically, she talked to me of the hurts SHE’S had as a mother- having a miscarriage. Having her children NOT look like them or seem like them at all (in her opinion).
It just reminded me AGAIN of the fact that life is just so full of disappointments. EVERYONE has them. And each person will go through huge things in their lives in one way or another.
As YOU go through this season, remember the greatest of all comforts: God’s presence with us. That He came to earth and was in every way human enough and all-knowing God enough, to understand everything we are going through. That HE knows our hearts better than anybody else, and knows what gives us joy and what can steal it away.
So, as you shed your tears this season, do so with HOPE of a future with our loving Savior Jesus Christ, who will wipe away every tear from our eyes. Know that God does have BEAUTIFUL purpose for your life. Don’t let your feelings strip your joy away.
A couple years ago I stopped nagging my hubby about adoption, and entrusted it into the Lord’s hands. About 2 years later, my hubby comes to me and just out of the blue says “I think next year we should start the paperwork for adopting.” I was speechless!! GOD is so faithful my friends. In HIS time, in HIS way. We are going to bring some children to a home and a family! Hubby and I are talking about starting the process of adoption next year!!!!
Be blessed this season and know that you are not alone <3