(Written Aug 24 2016) I have a dear friend who has been walking with me through this grief. I’ve never had a loss so big before and neither has she. Thankfully we are honest and open enough that she can just ask me about it and we talk. I thought it was high time people started to talk about this publicly.
*Warning- I am going to get all emotional and stuff, so if you aren’t into that kinda thing, skip this post! <3
Life is about loss. We lose a job, we lose a dream, we lose a friend, we lose a relationship, we lose people we love to death. I lost my 2 Foster boys to the system that is failing them miserably.
I know many would say my hurt is pitiful, get over it already, right? After all, I knew they would leave one day, right? Well, I have been told that to the measure you love is the measure you will grieve the loss. I loved those boys more than I thought was humanly possible. So yes, the grief is immense.
I don’t sit and blubber and sob all day like the comedy movies when a girl loses the boyfriend.
It’s so much more. I am forever changed by this. Not that I will forever be unable to smile. Or forever be unable to find joy or purpose again. Just that I will forever have a hole in my heart that nothing can fill. This deep of loss changes you.
At first the shock was so big, I barely remember much from the first month after they left. I filled my life with busy-ness, not realizing what I was doing till I realized that I couldn’t sit at the table to eat without feeling panicked. That has lessened off a bit and now I am hit by the unbearable loss. God is so kind in how he carries us through life. God NEVER promised that life on earth would be easy, without pain. He DID promise He’d be with us through it all.
My dear friend asked me if I could just continue to throw my pain and grief at Jesus, let Him carry it. God knows our hearts, our emotions, and our chemical makeup and the response we have to grief. He made us, after all!
My head knows that God is helping me through this, but to discuss it with Him at this point is too much. Someone said to journal all my thoughts and feelings, to make prayers to God through journalling. But I am still so freaked out by this loss that my mind just automatically makes me think of something else. No matter how hard I try to
I think this might be one of the ways God helps us in our grief. Until the utter shock wears off. Our bodies and minds have to catch up to what just happened. I’m not there yet.
So, as I try to read my Bible and journal and pray, God knows. He knows what I WOULD say if I could. And He’s ok with it! Another friend told me to just not question God. I believe with all my heart that God’s shoulders are big enough for us to feel all kinds of things toward Him. He can handle it when we question Him. He loves us enough that He sent His Son to die for us. He can bear my heartache in all its forms.
I appreciated this post on grief and not labeling it: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/
The time I have with the Lord right now, is in song. I love to sing, and started to speed walk on the tredmill. There are some songs that just heal my heart a little bit everyday, as I worship my Creator and the love of my life. I sing out my heart as I gasp for air exercising lol. Regardless of HOW we are told to grieve or how long it takes, God knows. And He loves. Sometimes we don’t have the strength to hold on to Him. No worries, He is holding us with the strength of our God who never lets go. Check out this song: Just be Held. By Casting Crowns.
Another song that has been speaking to my heart is a few songs from the album Diamonds by Hawk Nelson. He is making diamonds out of dust! Made to Live, and Live like Your Loved are two favorites that speak to my heart and get my mind where it should be.
The point is, God knows us. He has a plan that is bigger than just me or my boys. And this here pain is going to change me forever, but in a way that will make me more useful to Him. Don’t put yourself in a box or in a stage of grief. Let yourself grieve the way God made you. Every person is made by God unique and special to Him. Your grief is unique too. Big hugs <3