Not Wrestling Enough

The REAL me? Oh man, do I NOT wrestle enough. You know all those posts when people write about the difficult things the Lord is taking them through and how they are wrestling with faith with it? Ya, I WANT to be wrestling through something. There is this feeling of blaaaaa when I’m not wrestling through something. As if God has taken a holiday or something. Of course, I know all the correct answers, that if God feels far away, guess who moved? yep, guilty as charged.

Here is what I AM wrestling with. God’s Grace and Man’s response. OK, so here’s the rub. At what point does my obedience become a form of legalism that nullifies God’s Grace? I believe that God is Sovereign- ALL THE TIME. Not just when it’s the good stuff. He is in control of even all the crud, He’s not off somewhere having a tan.

SO, when God in His Sovereign wisdom is giving me a hunger for His Word I am SOOOO very thankful! It makes study, etc MUCH more wonderful and fulfilling. But what about those times when He doesn’t GIVE me the hunger? When I kinda HAVE to get into His Word because I know it is the best thing for me?

I’ve read this devotional that is SO challenging, and this is how it starts:

“Blessed are they that… Seek Him with the whole heart.” Ps 119:2

“For He satisfieth the longing soul and filleth the hungry soul with goodness” Ps 107:9

I want that longing, that hunger, that seeking.

Here’s a quote from this devotional:

“A sage of India was asked by a young man how he could find God. For some time the sage gave no answer but one evening he asked the youth to come and bathe with him in the river. While there he gripped him suddenly and help his head under the water until he was nearly drowned. When he released him the sage asked him: ‘What did you want most when you were under the water?’ ‘A breath of air,’ he replied. To which the sage answered, ‘When you want God as you wanted the breath of air, you will find Him.'”

THAT’S how much I want to want Him!! But I seriously doubt we can conjure up these feelings in ourselves, I believe it is a gift the Lord gives to us. So, do I wait around for Him to come through with that hunger, and slowly stagnate when He doesn’t for long periods of time? Well, ya, I kinda do sometimes. But SHOULD I? No, I don’t think so!

I sure don’t want to get so side-tracked onto the philosophical debates of Christianity, that I miss out on the relationship, the living Christ out. We see the Sadducee’s and Pharisees in Scripture doing these things and Jesus was sure not impressed with THEIR hearts.

Maybe God is just asking us to want to want Him. You know what I mean? I believe this is the first step. For a while, it was like living in a fog, where wanting God was this distant memory. I WANT to be so intensely scouring Scripture for answers and sitting before Him, soaking up His presence and His Word.

THIS here blogging helps me so very much to sort out my head. Scripture tells us to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Sometimes unless I write it down, it just bounces around up there, making no sense at all 😛 ha!

I have Fibromyalgia and as it makes the ability to concentrate a challenge, I find Scripture study so difficult. But I know that I can trust Him. He is not accusing me, there is total acceptance and understanding from Him.

Maybe I can just take one verse a day as another friend is doing. Just meditate and chew on one thought, instead of having such high expectations of being able to spend hours studying 🙂

How much do YOU want to want Christ? How do you keep your walk alive?

This shared at: Missional WomenImparting Grace  /  Our Simple Country Life  /  Upward not Inward  /   What Joy Is Mine  /  A Royal Daughter 

About Christine

I'm a bit of a health nut and not ashamed of it! God, family and Missions are huge passions and driving forces in my life. I have had fibromyalgia for most of my life and am in the process of a treatment that is gonna give me my life back! Join me in my journey to wellness, make some new friends and maybe encourage someone else along the way!
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4 Responses to Not Wrestling Enough

  1. Cindy Theriault says:

    Wow Christine. Have you hit it on the head. I feel much the same, sometimes so far away from God and yet I believe by faith that He is here. It really must be Him because I cannot conjure up those feelings. For a long time I never wanted to sing that song ” as a deer pants for the water…” Because I did not feel it was true. On the other hand I knew it was true. Sometimes I wonder if it isn’t FMS just clogging up my brain and messing with my emotions. I long for revival in my heart!

    • Christine says:

      I long for revival in my heart too Cindy!!
      And I wonder often, if the fibro plays more of a part than we realize. All I know is that God DOES know our hearts and our motives.
      I have a dear mentor who used to say to me often, “just take a walk with the Lord today.” Just today, just walk, that’s all. So simple! I make it so complicated so often!!
      Thanks for commenting Cindy, it really is nice to know that people GET IT! 😀
      Have a great night <3

  2. A year ago I would have said that I wish I didn’t have anything to wrestle over, but the truth is: God has drawn me through the wrestling, and I would not change that.

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