How’s everyone doing? A couple days before Christmas it hit me. Honestly? This is the hardest Christmas and season I’ve ever been through.
It might feel like beating a dead horse. I should get over it already, right? Move on, move past it, get over it, whatever your favorite phrase is. The truth is, grief is a long road. It’s a life change. It never just goes away. It has to change you first. Become a part of you that you accept and merge with.
Every new season, every part of life that I enjoyed with the boys, is a moment to grieve. So every holiday, every joy is a moment of reflection. They aren’t here, and they never will be. There will be an empty spot where the giggles and laughter used to be. There will be less gifts under the tree and no drawings on my fridge.
There is no excitement in facing Christmas day, knowing there will be no squeals of utter joy. There are no kids to be under foot asking a million questions as I try to prepare a huge meal. No huge mounds of wrapping and messes to clean up and more toys than we know what to do with. Last year with the boys, the holidays were so FULL. This year, it all feels so empty.
Now I get it. I get why everyone talks about how the holidays are so hard for people grieving loss of a loved one. Everywhere you look, they should be here! And they aren’t.
I went along this year, doing ok until the child I babysit is no longer here, she’s home with her family for the Christmas holidays. And I am alone. It feels more alone than it used to feel. Feelings of panic started in. I found myself just staring at the wall for a while. And realized, this feels the way it did when I was told the boys were being taken away. Panic. That is would happen again. That I would never again see the little girl that I babysit. It takes time to process, now there is just grief in the feelings, and less panic.
Talk about re-evaluating the reason for the season. It isn’t about the presents, or the food, or the company or even family. It’s about Jesus. HE is the reason. The story of how the Creator and King of the universe humbled Himself to become a human baby. With all the limitations and needs of a human, and a baby! The Lord of the universe, having His diaper changed…
As I think about all the hullabaloo of Christmas, I am thankful for the reminder that it’s not about what we focus on 99% of the time during this season. There is JOY in knowing the Lord Jesus Christ came to earth, that He died, was buried and raised from the dead to live again on earth for a short time and in heaven for all eternity. He conquered death, he conquered the grave! We have eternal life because of Him.
But He did that as an adult. He came to earth as a baby. He lived as we live, and probably with much less than we have in our society today. His birth is the reason we celebrate. His birthday! Merry Christmas and may you know that you are loved by the almighty creator God of the universe who gave unto death for us. You are not alone, you grief and mine has been experienced by our heavenly Father. We are in good company with our Father, who knows grief.